I want to know why you want me, because I can’t seem to find a reason to want myself. You’re insane for getting mad at me for questioning whether or not you really like me. I have every right to ask. Because in your world, I never even really existed until a couple of weeks ago. I have all these fears in regards to your feelings towards me. Are they momentary? Are they fleeting? Are they even real, or just brought about by loneliness and the need for physical contact?
I’m sorry, but I’m not quite convinced yet. I’m still under the impression that this is all one elaborate dream. That I will wake up any minute now. Please tell me otherwise.
Ironically, I’m fighting my eyes that are about to shut right now, listening to Jack Johnson. hahaha
Oops, I sidetracked. What was the point of this post again? Oh, the point was to stay awake long enough so I could greet her a happy birthday, even though she’s technically already 23 since she was born in the Philippines.
Why do I feel like I’m the one having a birthday today? Why do I feel like I’ve gotten this present that I haven’t really done anything to deserve? Why do I feel like I have nothing to offer her but the baggage that is called my past?
“She gives me presents, with her presence alone.”
I wish I had that effect on you, gwapa.
Maybe, but not for another million years.
Not even in this lifetime.
Happy Birthday, gwapa. Make it count. You’re only 23 once.
So Six Flags? It’s a date orchestrated by fate?
I must have a thing for having epiphanies during showers and outside runs. I came up with one during the latter this morning.
My running is, and always has been inspired by love. When I got brokenhearted, I used running as a metaphor to run away from the woman who broke my heart. I created a mental image of her at the starting line and ran as fast I could to get as far away from her as possible. That didn’t work too well, because I was still doing 12-minute miles. I couldn’t get away from her fast enough.
Then my perspective changed. Approximately two weeks ago, I gathered up the courage to approach a girl that I’ve had a crush on since forever ago and ask her how she was. To my surprise, she replied, and within seconds. Ever since then, I’ve been running towards her. Metaphorically, since this morning was my first run in over two weeks.
This morning, I ran to her in the literal sense. It certainly helps that she lives only 2.4 miles away from where I live. To my surprise, I did a 10-minute mile. Then another one. I was so eager to see her at the halfway point that the longest break I took from running towards where she resided was maybe a minute. She was my oasis in the desert, and she was convincing enough that I didn’t need water during my entire run. She kissed me (several times at that) and that was enough to fuel me for the 2.5 mile uphill run back home. Enough to make me reach my goal of running up to that stop sign on El Capitan and Twain and go past it. To running up to that utility pole with the “End School Zone” sign and two more beyond it. To sprinting from El Capitan to Riley even though it was all downhill and very effortless on my part.
She drives me to be better, faster. I’ve found my inspiration to run.. seeing her at the halfway point or the finish line or wherever I am headed. Even just imagining her there keeps me going, keeps me running faster. I run. For love.
How crazy is it that even in my dreams, the story is always this:
-accidental brushing of your chest against my shoulders
-momentary interlocking of our fingers
I dream of you tonight, yet again.. but the story is always the same.
There’s that one girl, I can never quite get.
On an ages-old contraption I stand,
In these avenues, of this gold-filled land.
Is it mechanical, is it electric?
On how this beast works, could it be magic?
Along comes this other car,
Number 22, going the opposite direction.
This lovely human being standing right there,
Passing me by, taking just a fleeting moment.
Is it mechanical? Is it electric?
That surge of power running through my veins.
Suddenly starting, hitting me like a jolt of lightning.
The fading just as quickly as the appearing.
Why can’t we ever be going the same way?
I’ve seen you before, somewhere, maybe in my dreams.
Or maybe me, in yours.
That’s all you’ll ever be.
That’s all we’ll ever be.
That’s all this will ever be.
A passing stranger giving me a high five.
Fading away, taken by these treacherous downhill streets.