Did you ever have the slightest hint that we would end up as a couple, and that we would be living together in our own place right now? I know your answer to that. I know that it never crossed your mind that you would end up cohabitating with me. I’m the twist in your story. You’re the one I’ve always wanted since the day I met you, although I had to keep my wishes and feelings at bay because of my then relationship status. I am so glad that ended and gave way to me accidentally bumping into your name on my phone book that one melancholy August night. You’re the best bet I’ve made so far. :)
I heal. I give. I breathe. I eat. I live. I fuck. I run. I write.. Among other things.
On the issue of marriage..
I know I’m ready. I know I’m financially stable. I know I’m of the right age. I know I have the woman I can see myself married to for the next 75 years. She’s right in front of me. Willing to fight for me. Willing to fight my battles with me. Willing to celebrate with me upon winning those battles.
I’m hesitant because of a couple of things. Number one, we’re both women. I read this today: America is the straight meat in a big gay sandwich (that is Canada and Mexico). I don’t think my pride can take it that I can get married anywhere but in the country where I reside, albeit some states. I don’t want to get married in other states. I want to get married right here in my home state. It’s bad enough I can never get married in a Catholic Church. I can’t even get married in front of a judge? All I know is I want to marry the person I love. So what if it happens to be a woman? I never planned on loving women my entire life. I’m sure I can be in a relationship with a guy, have sex with a guy even, but it wouldn’t feel good. It wouldn’t feel right to me. So until I can marry my woman legally in the state of Nevada, I want to hold off on getting her that ring and making that highly anticipated proposal.
Reason #2: She is not the first one I saw myself getting married to. Good thing I didn’t go as far as taking that girl to California at the time it was legal and marrying her then. Thank goodness I dodged that bullet! I always thought I was the one who gave that girl conditional love, but turns out she was the one whose love was conditional. I fought hard and until the end to keep that relationship alive. I know that with this one I’m with currently is a keeper. She’s the type of girl you would never worry about. When you know, I guess you really just know, beyond the shadow of a doubt. She is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the woman I want to spend all my life loving. I know she’s well worth it. I know she wants to and will do the same. I may not be her first, and she may not be my first, but I sure as hell am determined to make her my last.
Hmm.. I think I just talked myself into buying her that ring a lot sooner than I planned.
It might sound a little (or a lot) corny, but knowing that I’m in love with you was solidified even more by watching that movie tonight. (Not Mama) You know that last scene where they were kissing each other and looking at each other all happy? I thought to myself “that’s how I feel when I’m kissing you”. Like I want to smile endlessly and there’s no reason in the world whatsoever for me to be sad. There is absolutely none at this point.
Another proof that I am completely and utterly in love with you: at some point in the movie, I wanted to make love to you, similar to the way we did it the first time. Crazy, no holds barred, alcohol-induced sex, minus the alcohol. I’m in love with you because I want to pound the shit out of you without so much as a drop of alcohol in my system.
Yeah, I know I have the weirdest ways of knowing this, but this I know: I am in love with you right here, right now. It doesn’t look like this love is going away anytime soon.
PS. I want to fuck you on this table right now. If only I REALLY had no filter and did whatever the hell I pleased.
I need to have a keyboard that lights up for moments like this when I want to pour my soul out and words come out of my fingers uncontrollably, and she is asleep. I like it when she sleeps and she puts her arms around me in her sleep, as if she’s dreaming of me. Oh, and her slight twitches, I notice those too. See, she’s required to be a vampire because of her job, and I can totally understand that because I used to have to be a Benadryl-dependent creature who had to sleep during the day too. It is like we are on two opposite sides of the Earth, yet we’re right beside each other. I have no right to complain though, because this girl stays up all day and lives on four hours of sleep a day, as opposed to me getting at least six hours of sleep every night.
I really can’t complain, because I love her. My erstwhile crush, now girlfriend, the woman who made me doubt how steadfast my feelings for my then girlfriend were. My neighbor turned almost-roommate. The one who takes a few seconds of her time to wake me up at 05:50 on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. The one who searches recipes of Filipino food on Google so she can feed my hungry mouth. The woman who always offers to pay for dinner and movies, and more than half the time succeeds. The girl who devotes six hours of her time to volunteer for my Ragnar event, even if she only gets one quick kiss after my first run. She really stayed the whole six hours at the place.
I have to say, never have I been this spoiled by anyone. I’m usually the “spoiler”. Must be her way of trying to change me, because I’ve noticed that I’m not actually as selfish as I used to be. Not as impulsive, although I can still get tactless on occasion. She’s changing me, slowly but surely. I’m afraid I’ll do something to turn her off completely and leave me. This woman is game changer. I know she will be here to stick around. I know she will offer herself to no one else but me. I recognize that she is as loyal and as faithful as they get. That’s exactly who I need at this point in life. I’m glad I have found that, and I’m glad I have found it in her.
The problem is I’m still the same Jeri I used to be. Even bigger problem is she’s willing to put up with it. I can never be thankful enough for this blessing disguised as this beautiful creature.. Rather, I don’t think I know how to show the proper gratitude that this woman so often deserves. Gahhh. Will I ever change? I sure hope so. I want to keep this one. I want to make sure she wants to keep me too. Get your shit straight, Jerifaye.
You love her. Show it. Every day, every way you can.
I think I should revisit that night.
I think I should look in hindsight.
Why, why, why would you risk falling?
Knowing there was an almost certain chance..
Repeatedly, repetitively, redundantly.
Once more than the previous one, you show cruelty.
She forgives, pardons easily, without penalty.
You know she deserves to be treated like royalty,
You’re the only one who doesn’t, hasn’t.
Eventually, the spotlight will stop shining.
No longer will there be lights, blinding.
I cannot assure you she’ll keep fighting.
When you yourself have no chance of winning.
This war you’ve waged upon yourself.
The cold is biting, snow is not inviting.
Do you remember that dark place you were in?
If you so much as think of going,
Back to that hellhole, start spiraling.
Pirouette away, into the sadness.
Here’s something to hopefully make your Monday a little bit more bearable.. Remember when you were asking me why I’m still in Las Vegas and not anywhere else in the world right now (because I have the capability to be anywhere I want to be)? I have figured out a more appropriate answer to that inquiry. It’s not about the work, I know that will come no matter where I go. It’s not about the fear of being far away from my family. You are the coincidental answer to that question. Wherever you are on this earth, I would also like to be there. Even if that means living in Nigeria or Colombia or some remote island in Papua New Guinea. Even if that means staying in Vegas for the rest of my life. Wherever you decide to go, I’ll be right beside you on that plane.
I find that it is not the grand gestures that this girl is making; it’s the little things like bringing me bagels at 8am even when she’s coming from work, that are making me fall in love slowly with this woman.